The Best

Thurs 4th of April 2007... It was just a week back.. yet I will still remember that day.. a day that really crippled my morale.. 2 tests on that day, a headache from coordinating the food for the Belgrave Heights Convention.. assignments due and rejection from my application to join the iGEMs team...

Just a year ago.. it was like metamorphosis.. I felt like a butterfly that got out of its cocoon and unleashed my academic potential.. from that caterpillar that crawled on the academic ground into a butterfly.. my marks improved significantly.. whence before I was scoring credits and passes, I was scoring high distinctions.. Today, a year later.. somehow.. when applying to get a place in a competition team, amongst 50 who applied and the 5 who were chosen.. I was the other 45.. that feeling was just gut wrenching.. and incredibly crippling to my ego.. I worked hard for my marks.. worked hard over the holidays in a hospital lab so that I could pimp out my CV like everyone else.. yet amongst 50 people I wasnt selected to be in the top 10%.. I had research experience, Biochemistry was my ace of spades in my marks.. and yet i was rejected.. i still can hear the voice of the coordinator at the iGEMs seminar the other day.. ".. if you dont get in.. don't be dissappointed.." and that just sparked me off.. HOW THE HELL COULD I NOT BE?! I've worked hard.. sacrificed much.. how much more must I give to be considered as top notch?

Its like an inferiority complex rearing its ugly head on me.. and the fear of being average.. I feel that mediocrity is such a cardinal sin in my academic life.. its not just about getting by.. its about excellence.. its not about the pass.. its about the distinction.. I want to be the best.. to rise above the rest.. yet even when I gave my best.. it just isnt good enough..

Sadly in this world, people dont employ you based on 'best' points.. people employ you on results.. when u fail to deliver results to your boss, you can stand infront of him and plead your best.. and still be slapped with retrenchment.. thats the fear that grips me.. I met Kat exactly that thursday.. and that was the conversation that ensued. She saw me and she said I looked tired.. I told her that I just finished my tests and also I still had to fix a whole headache of food coordinating for BHC.. She smiled and said "at least you did your best".. and I said " yeah but in life your best doesnt matter.. results do.." I felt really mean saying it to her.. and I deserve to be slapped for it.. for someone who was trying to console me and encouraged me, I cut her down.. she then said "but is it other people.. that gives you value for your life?" and quite instinctively I said " what I value is something that will get me my bread and butter to feed my family in the future and take care of mom and dad".. I was really an ass to have said that.. yet it just came out of me without thinking.. yet Kat.. like almost all other RG girls always know how to have the final say.. she just said " Trust God ".. at that point, I just sighed.. I had nothing to say.. I was absolutely worn out.. I just felt just crippled... after the whole day.. the whole week the whole 1 month of doing my best at being excellent.. it felt that it all fell apart..

Its so tiring to strive to be the best... people have said that the competition isnt against the others.. the competition is yourself.. but then and again... what is the use if you're the best only to yourself? besides in Psychology it is said that runners improve their timing faster when competeing against other runners instead of training on their own.. or maybe its just the fact that life's meant to be this cruel..

At Adam Khoo Learning Technologies (the motivation talk stuff) they said that 95% of the population is unmotivated. First I would question how they even measured that.. and secondly it means that theres a good and bad to it.. the good side is that per each 100 people, 95 don't give a crap.. they'll just slog till they die.. and just be content with what they have and won't be a challenge in your path.. bad news is that ur competing with the other 4 to make it somewhere.. and competition is gonna be stiff.. so actually what reall advantage is there in the first place?

well.. maybe the best thing to do isn't to fret about it.. just do what I do..

Work hard, Work smart.. whichever way it is, just don't work LESS...