Its just a card but it feels like a heavy responsibility on my neck.. its a cool title.. but.. it feels like a misnomer.. how much more till I can get a break? thru my every year of uni life I've sacrificed my holidays for the sake of education.. Parents always call to bug you to work hard.. rarely hear them call you to remind you to play hard...It's very hard to see the bright side of this.. do good for mankind, find a cure.. its a overused cliche answer... To top it off, it was my decision... I chose this path and I'm feeling bitter about the decisions I made... the reluctant sacrifice.. its not like having a Honours degree will make you more respectable, a happier person.. it just means you won't be serving drinks at a coffee shop for a living..
Perhaps just a feeling of frustration of my predicament.. bound to honour my parents effort and investment.. It feels that I've just lost the will to fight.. the loss of vision and purpose.. because being purpose driven and having direction never really brought me happiness.. just many more sacrifices.. Maybe just fatigue.. more than a honours degree I just need a break..
The only thing that keeps me alive till then, is firstly my obligation to my parents, secondly, the hope that it'll all be over soon.. that I'll finally get to have a good rest as promised and broken holiday after holiday.. finally, my supervisor who at least seems to be concerned for my welfare and not just churning out results.. and the effort he has put in to pave this path for me.
I just hope my perspective changes soon.. It just isn't very motivational at all.. i felt a tinge of regret working my holidays away not because of the environment... but the promises to myself that I've broken.. I should start thinking for myself..
Its complicated.. I don't expect anyone to understand it.. I've given up thinking why or who I do it for.. its really sad and I wish it were'nt this way.. I'll just do it because I have to.
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