"For Many years, humankind turned to the celestial zodiacs as a means of ascertaining their fate. After all, what better way to predict one's future than looking to one's date of birth? Well, we as revolutionary and radical uni students call that a load of crap. For we know what truly is in control of our lives. Our degrees. For at least 3 years, they compel us to hours of listening to the inane chatter of pompous academics, before smugly moving on to handpicking our social circle, our jobs and our capacity to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, Face it boys and girls, you are your degree's bitch. So try not to cringe as your Degree-o-scope lays out your fortune for the month."
Bachelor of Education:
The alignment of the stars indicate that them techy little kuchibrats are engaging in an elaborate conspiracy to break all the crayons in the arts room. Our complex analysis of zodiacal patterns indicates that you should send them all to naptime without dessert.
Bachelor of Engineering:
The Force exerted upon another will only evoke a countering force in the opposing direction, a principle that implies that the best solution to this fundamental problem is to remain stationary in bed.
Bachelor of Land and Food Resources:
The rotting piece of bread by your windowsill just might bear you a H1 in your midterm assessment. Should this specimen be consumed however, we cannot guarantee that you will survive until then. But you'll eat it anyway just to prove us wrong. Typical.
Bachelor of Commerce:
It appears that the impossibility of balancing the statement of cash flows in tutorial 2 of Accounting 101 can be linked to jealous colleagues having tampered with your preferred Casio Calculator.
Bachelor of Science:
Promiscity is but a form of thorough scientific experimentation of the merits of varying samples of the opposite sex. Of course, you remain a detached observer and more unfortunately, a virgin.
Bachelor of Law:
The powers that adjudicate have deliberated, passed a preliminary vote, held a continuation debate, passed a final vote, considered and squashed an appeal, before arriving at the unanimous verdict that they lacked the requisite information and resources to arrive at a resolution possessed of a sufficient degree of finality. It is deemed imperative that further research and sampling be conducted to attain a more satisfactory outcome. (referance 1)
1 It is stressed that the powers that be, are under no obligation to formulate a final conclusion
Bachelor of Architecture, Building and Planning:
We sense dark forces of jealousy operating on your wooden model of the Taj Mahal. It would be wise to check for implanted termites.
Bachelor of Arts:
A sinister plot to further dilute your watercolours is brewing. Consider switching to crayons.
Bachelor of Veterinary Science:
Cosmic forces have divined that the feisty little baboon is responsible for the repetedly mysterious disappearances of your M&M's. 'Animal Testing' on it would only result in you being stoned to death by activists. Conduct tests on the soon-to-be-dead Land and Food Resources student instead.
-End-
Extracted from: Melbourne Uni Eyeball Magazine
=Melbourne Uni Rocks=
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