Sat night

Its a saturday.. and i've just spent it on books and Cell Bio.. I dunno whats gotten into me.. thats pushing me so hard.. its just sick... 3rd year is just sick.. (sick as in negative sick.. not the "Thorpey(Ian Thorpe) says its FULLY SICK MATE" kinda sick..) And it feels even sicker that I should resort to just whining and complaining.. but 2 tests, 1 scientific paper presentation for both Cell Bio and Protein Structure.. 2 tests for Pathology, 1 test for Pathology lab + lab reports every week.. on top of that all these subjects have a end of semester exam paper.. this really isnt like 2nd year at all.. and it makes 1st year sound all like childs play.. Uni Professors prolly have deprived childhoods or repressed memories to be able to extract such satisfaction out of academic cognitive torture.. only to think that I aspire to be one.. what the hell man..

Perhaps I do it cos i want that success so much... the taste of holding that paper in my hands and smile with pride and joy for all the world to see.. not just cos i finished it.. but cos i aced it... but why do i want to ace it? thats exactly the crucks of the question.. I feel its a sense of insecurity in me.. to want to achieve better and more lest i be seen as or thought of as inferior grade.. perhaps out of not wanting to let my parents down.. fear.. and insecurity... I guess the positivity i can find in this is that 1- I know where my weakness is and 2- I acknowledge it and accept it.. thing is.. what can I do about it? I just want to destroy all this negativity in me..

I saw a newspaper cutting one day in the Life section of Straits Times- There was this musician in the picture performing at the Esplanade- he gave up his PhD in biochemistry in order to pursue his dreams- to be a musician.. I thought of it.. he's a very brave man.. he would give up something that definitely pays better than being a musician so that he can chase his dreams.. I saw myself as the exact polar opposite.. I, a person who doesnt play music but just wants to enjoy things, am I willing to give up enjoying so that I can pursue a career at least to give me a respectable name and salary that can repay my education and also give my parents a good life to retire in comfort?

What does it mean to be the best? I've never known someone whom the title " THE BEST " has been conferred upon.. only "Experts of a particular field".. what does it really mean to be the best? or by pursuing the best means that we'll never get there.. tho we will improve ourselves over time? And all this wanting and desire to be the best.. I feel at some point is exerting some sort of destruction upon myself.. I feel that life becomes so myopic and of such single purpose- just to hunt for success.. that u just forget everything else around you...

I think its just probably that i'm low on morale now.. I entered 3rd year psyched-up at the start.. it just seems that i got a reality check.. perhaps a call to wake up my idea.. and be realistic.. I just hope i make it thru.. and something happy happens.. really soon.. REALLY REALLY SOON...