What drives me

Today, its exactly 1 mths time to my exam.. It has been a long path taken this yr.. yet it seems so brief.. just as winter has passed, spring is here again. As much as I should be burried in my work now, I feel rather adversive to it.. I dont know why.. could it be that I've lost my ardour and thirst for victory? could it be that I'm worn out and tired?

I've been having nightmares for 4 consecutive nights.. and every morning I awake in cold sweat and thankful that it was just a dream.. I've never been so terrified by my dreams before.. what could they mean? all these dreams- or should i say nightmares? most certainly its not a soft and subtle calling out to me.. it seems to be yelling out to me.. perhaps a deeply rooted fear that manifests itself subtly in my periphery- the fear not of failure, rather- being average..

I know its quite arrogant and impudent of me to say and assume that I will never fail a subject in uni.. so far I havent.. but the more disturbing fact is that people seem to be racking up H1s so easily.. and I dont understand what is so physiologically different from me and them that enables them to excell so well- whatever it is, I must find what they have and I must learn from it..

I've been asking myself.. what drives me- is it true passion or is it more of fear? There are times where I really feel like I've lost the will to fight and carry on.. and I really ask myself why the hell am i doing this to myself- a very simple answer comes back to me.. yet more of an excuse rather than an answer- " sometimes the most unpleasant things to do are the most correct ones.."," Everyone else is going thru the same thing.. why should u even think of complaining?" and lastly "DONT THINK SO MUCH- WAKE UP YOUR IDEA AND DO YOUR JOB"... job.. duty.. I cant help but feel my orientally traditional debt and duty to my parents and family.. to let them down would be shameful and even.. dishonourable..

Moreover, how am I able to answer to myself? I guess I am my worst enemy... harsh and sometimes unforgiving not to others.. but to myself... perhaps some of my repressed memories come alive to me.. being made fun of in school because of my size.. and because I wasnt a very bright kid.. and as I left for Australia to study in trinity.. people said that I went there because I was chicken- couldnt live up to the Singapore education system.. all these things yell out to me.. I hear it screaming out in my blood.. almost like a vengance within me.. something that drives me pursue this academic excellence- that is my reprisal.

What would have made me so vindictive of them? Of all I find it the worst to love those that I had to endure with.. and in the sense, it drives me to this crazed and aggressive pursuit of academic excellence.. It may seem abit off tangent to this subject.. but it is one of the contributing factors..

I guess now its not important to find out what exactly drives me.. since its more useful to use this energy right now.. and do what I have to do.. I guess.. dont think so much abt it..

This's just another of my mental soliloquys.. sorry if it isnt light hearted as it would usually be..