Thurs 4th of April 2007... It was just a week back.. yet I will still remember that day.. a day that really crippled my morale.. 2 tests on that day, a headache from coordinating the food for the Belgrave Heights Convention.. assignments due and rejection from my application to join the iGEMs team...
Just a year ago.. it was like metamorphosis.. I felt like a butterfly that got out of its cocoon and unleashed my academic potential.. from that caterpillar that crawled on the academic ground into a butterfly.. my marks improved significantly.. whence before I was scoring credits and passes, I was scoring high distinctions.. Today, a year later.. somehow.. when applying to get a place in a competition team, amongst 50 who applied and the 5 who were chosen.. I was the other 45.. that feeling was just gut wrenching.. and incredibly crippling to my ego.. I worked hard for my marks.. worked hard over the holidays in a hospital lab so that I could pimp out my CV like everyone else.. yet amongst 50 people I wasnt selected to be in the top 10%.. I had research experience, Biochemistry was my ace of spades in my marks.. and yet i was rejected.. i still can hear the voice of the coordinator at the iGEMs seminar the other day.. ".. if you dont get in.. don't be dissappointed.." and that just sparked me off.. HOW THE HELL COULD I NOT BE?! I've worked hard.. sacrificed much.. how much more must I give to be considered as top notch?
Its like an inferiority complex rearing its ugly head on me.. and the fear of being average.. I feel that mediocrity is such a cardinal sin in my academic life.. its not just about getting by.. its about excellence.. its not about the pass.. its about the distinction.. I want to be the best.. to rise above the rest.. yet even when I gave my best.. it just isnt good enough..
Sadly in this world, people dont employ you based on 'best' points.. people employ you on results.. when u fail to deliver results to your boss, you can stand infront of him and plead your best.. and still be slapped with retrenchment.. thats the fear that grips me.. I met Kat exactly that thursday.. and that was the conversation that ensued. She saw me and she said I looked tired.. I told her that I just finished my tests and also I still had to fix a whole headache of food coordinating for BHC.. She smiled and said "at least you did your best".. and I said " yeah but in life your best doesnt matter.. results do.." I felt really mean saying it to her.. and I deserve to be slapped for it.. for someone who was trying to console me and encouraged me, I cut her down.. she then said "but is it other people.. that gives you value for your life?" and quite instinctively I said " what I value is something that will get me my bread and butter to feed my family in the future and take care of mom and dad".. I was really an ass to have said that.. yet it just came out of me without thinking.. yet Kat.. like almost all other RG girls always know how to have the final say.. she just said " Trust God ".. at that point, I just sighed.. I had nothing to say.. I was absolutely worn out.. I just felt just crippled... after the whole day.. the whole week the whole 1 month of doing my best at being excellent.. it felt that it all fell apart..
Its so tiring to strive to be the best... people have said that the competition isnt against the others.. the competition is yourself.. but then and again... what is the use if you're the best only to yourself? besides in Psychology it is said that runners improve their timing faster when competeing against other runners instead of training on their own.. or maybe its just the fact that life's meant to be this cruel..
At Adam Khoo Learning Technologies (the motivation talk stuff) they said that 95% of the population is unmotivated. First I would question how they even measured that.. and secondly it means that theres a good and bad to it.. the good side is that per each 100 people, 95 don't give a crap.. they'll just slog till they die.. and just be content with what they have and won't be a challenge in your path.. bad news is that ur competing with the other 4 to make it somewhere.. and competition is gonna be stiff.. so actually what reall advantage is there in the first place?
well.. maybe the best thing to do isn't to fret about it.. just do what I do..
Work hard, Work smart.. whichever way it is, just don't work LESS...
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
+NH3-His-Gln-Leu-Phe-COO-
I got a test 2mr.. and umm well.. I have consulted the alignment of the ligand binding sites of p97 Iron binding protein and they tell me that I'm screwed... -His-Gln-Leu-Phe- in 3 letter Amino Acid code spells very simply in 1 letter Amino Acid code: -HELP-
Anyway time for bed.. by the way Punjabi MC is really FULLY SIKH MAN.. (as in its very good.. yeah.. ok..) Nights..
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Extracts from the Melb Uni Eyeball mag
I thought that this was pretty a pretty interesting find I made at the BioMed Library today- a Melbourne Uni Publication- the Eyeball Magazine and this particular article caught my eye: The Degree-o-Scope.. The University's equivalent of the Horoscope.. I dont know how to referance this article but anyway.. And I've picked the funny ones: Education, Engineering, Land and Food Resources, Commerce, Science, Law, Arts, Architecture, Veterinary Science; and left out the boring ones: Medicine, Music. Here's the Abstract:
"For Many years, humankind turned to the celestial zodiacs as a means of ascertaining their fate. After all, what better way to predict one's future than looking to one's date of birth? Well, we as revolutionary and radical uni students call that a load of crap. For we know what truly is in control of our lives. Our degrees. For at least 3 years, they compel us to hours of listening to the inane chatter of pompous academics, before smugly moving on to handpicking our social circle, our jobs and our capacity to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, Face it boys and girls, you are your degree's bitch. So try not to cringe as your Degree-o-scope lays out your fortune for the month."
Bachelor of Education:
The alignment of the stars indicate that them techy little kuchibrats are engaging in an elaborate conspiracy to break all the crayons in the arts room. Our complex analysis of zodiacal patterns indicates that you should send them all to naptime without dessert.
Bachelor of Engineering:
The Force exerted upon another will only evoke a countering force in the opposing direction, a principle that implies that the best solution to this fundamental problem is to remain stationary in bed.
Bachelor of Land and Food Resources:
The rotting piece of bread by your windowsill just might bear you a H1 in your midterm assessment. Should this specimen be consumed however, we cannot guarantee that you will survive until then. But you'll eat it anyway just to prove us wrong. Typical.
Bachelor of Commerce:
It appears that the impossibility of balancing the statement of cash flows in tutorial 2 of Accounting 101 can be linked to jealous colleagues having tampered with your preferred Casio Calculator.
Bachelor of Science:
Promiscity is but a form of thorough scientific experimentation of the merits of varying samples of the opposite sex. Of course, you remain a detached observer and more unfortunately, a virgin.
Bachelor of Law:
The powers that adjudicate have deliberated, passed a preliminary vote, held a continuation debate, passed a final vote, considered and squashed an appeal, before arriving at the unanimous verdict that they lacked the requisite information and resources to arrive at a resolution possessed of a sufficient degree of finality. It is deemed imperative that further research and sampling be conducted to attain a more satisfactory outcome. (referance 1)
1 It is stressed that the powers that be, are under no obligation to formulate a final conclusion
Bachelor of Architecture, Building and Planning:
We sense dark forces of jealousy operating on your wooden model of the Taj Mahal. It would be wise to check for implanted termites.
Bachelor of Arts:
A sinister plot to further dilute your watercolours is brewing. Consider switching to crayons.
Bachelor of Veterinary Science:
Cosmic forces have divined that the feisty little baboon is responsible for the repetedly mysterious disappearances of your M&M's. 'Animal Testing' on it would only result in you being stoned to death by activists. Conduct tests on the soon-to-be-dead Land and Food Resources student instead.
"For Many years, humankind turned to the celestial zodiacs as a means of ascertaining their fate. After all, what better way to predict one's future than looking to one's date of birth? Well, we as revolutionary and radical uni students call that a load of crap. For we know what truly is in control of our lives. Our degrees. For at least 3 years, they compel us to hours of listening to the inane chatter of pompous academics, before smugly moving on to handpicking our social circle, our jobs and our capacity to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, Face it boys and girls, you are your degree's bitch. So try not to cringe as your Degree-o-scope lays out your fortune for the month."
Bachelor of Education:
The alignment of the stars indicate that them techy little kuchibrats are engaging in an elaborate conspiracy to break all the crayons in the arts room. Our complex analysis of zodiacal patterns indicates that you should send them all to naptime without dessert.
Bachelor of Engineering:
The Force exerted upon another will only evoke a countering force in the opposing direction, a principle that implies that the best solution to this fundamental problem is to remain stationary in bed.
Bachelor of Land and Food Resources:
The rotting piece of bread by your windowsill just might bear you a H1 in your midterm assessment. Should this specimen be consumed however, we cannot guarantee that you will survive until then. But you'll eat it anyway just to prove us wrong. Typical.
Bachelor of Commerce:
It appears that the impossibility of balancing the statement of cash flows in tutorial 2 of Accounting 101 can be linked to jealous colleagues having tampered with your preferred Casio Calculator.
Bachelor of Science:
Promiscity is but a form of thorough scientific experimentation of the merits of varying samples of the opposite sex. Of course, you remain a detached observer and more unfortunately, a virgin.
Bachelor of Law:
The powers that adjudicate have deliberated, passed a preliminary vote, held a continuation debate, passed a final vote, considered and squashed an appeal, before arriving at the unanimous verdict that they lacked the requisite information and resources to arrive at a resolution possessed of a sufficient degree of finality. It is deemed imperative that further research and sampling be conducted to attain a more satisfactory outcome. (referance 1)
1 It is stressed that the powers that be, are under no obligation to formulate a final conclusion
Bachelor of Architecture, Building and Planning:
We sense dark forces of jealousy operating on your wooden model of the Taj Mahal. It would be wise to check for implanted termites.
Bachelor of Arts:
A sinister plot to further dilute your watercolours is brewing. Consider switching to crayons.
Bachelor of Veterinary Science:
Cosmic forces have divined that the feisty little baboon is responsible for the repetedly mysterious disappearances of your M&M's. 'Animal Testing' on it would only result in you being stoned to death by activists. Conduct tests on the soon-to-be-dead Land and Food Resources student instead.
-End-
Extracted from: Melbourne Uni Eyeball Magazine
=Melbourne Uni Rocks=
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Sat night
Its a saturday.. and i've just spent it on books and Cell Bio.. I dunno whats gotten into me.. thats pushing me so hard.. its just sick... 3rd year is just sick.. (sick as in negative sick.. not the "Thorpey(Ian Thorpe) says its FULLY SICK MATE" kinda sick..) And it feels even sicker that I should resort to just whining and complaining.. but 2 tests, 1 scientific paper presentation for both Cell Bio and Protein Structure.. 2 tests for Pathology, 1 test for Pathology lab + lab reports every week.. on top of that all these subjects have a end of semester exam paper.. this really isnt like 2nd year at all.. and it makes 1st year sound all like childs play.. Uni Professors prolly have deprived childhoods or repressed memories to be able to extract such satisfaction out of academic cognitive torture.. only to think that I aspire to be one.. what the hell man..
Perhaps I do it cos i want that success so much... the taste of holding that paper in my hands and smile with pride and joy for all the world to see.. not just cos i finished it.. but cos i aced it... but why do i want to ace it? thats exactly the crucks of the question.. I feel its a sense of insecurity in me.. to want to achieve better and more lest i be seen as or thought of as inferior grade.. perhaps out of not wanting to let my parents down.. fear.. and insecurity... I guess the positivity i can find in this is that 1- I know where my weakness is and 2- I acknowledge it and accept it.. thing is.. what can I do about it? I just want to destroy all this negativity in me..
I saw a newspaper cutting one day in the Life section of Straits Times- There was this musician in the picture performing at the Esplanade- he gave up his PhD in biochemistry in order to pursue his dreams- to be a musician.. I thought of it.. he's a very brave man.. he would give up something that definitely pays better than being a musician so that he can chase his dreams.. I saw myself as the exact polar opposite.. I, a person who doesnt play music but just wants to enjoy things, am I willing to give up enjoying so that I can pursue a career at least to give me a respectable name and salary that can repay my education and also give my parents a good life to retire in comfort?
What does it mean to be the best? I've never known someone whom the title " THE BEST " has been conferred upon.. only "Experts of a particular field".. what does it really mean to be the best? or by pursuing the best means that we'll never get there.. tho we will improve ourselves over time? And all this wanting and desire to be the best.. I feel at some point is exerting some sort of destruction upon myself.. I feel that life becomes so myopic and of such single purpose- just to hunt for success.. that u just forget everything else around you...
I think its just probably that i'm low on morale now.. I entered 3rd year psyched-up at the start.. it just seems that i got a reality check.. perhaps a call to wake up my idea.. and be realistic.. I just hope i make it thru.. and something happy happens.. really soon.. REALLY REALLY SOON...
Perhaps I do it cos i want that success so much... the taste of holding that paper in my hands and smile with pride and joy for all the world to see.. not just cos i finished it.. but cos i aced it... but why do i want to ace it? thats exactly the crucks of the question.. I feel its a sense of insecurity in me.. to want to achieve better and more lest i be seen as or thought of as inferior grade.. perhaps out of not wanting to let my parents down.. fear.. and insecurity... I guess the positivity i can find in this is that 1- I know where my weakness is and 2- I acknowledge it and accept it.. thing is.. what can I do about it? I just want to destroy all this negativity in me..
I saw a newspaper cutting one day in the Life section of Straits Times- There was this musician in the picture performing at the Esplanade- he gave up his PhD in biochemistry in order to pursue his dreams- to be a musician.. I thought of it.. he's a very brave man.. he would give up something that definitely pays better than being a musician so that he can chase his dreams.. I saw myself as the exact polar opposite.. I, a person who doesnt play music but just wants to enjoy things, am I willing to give up enjoying so that I can pursue a career at least to give me a respectable name and salary that can repay my education and also give my parents a good life to retire in comfort?
What does it mean to be the best? I've never known someone whom the title " THE BEST " has been conferred upon.. only "Experts of a particular field".. what does it really mean to be the best? or by pursuing the best means that we'll never get there.. tho we will improve ourselves over time? And all this wanting and desire to be the best.. I feel at some point is exerting some sort of destruction upon myself.. I feel that life becomes so myopic and of such single purpose- just to hunt for success.. that u just forget everything else around you...
I think its just probably that i'm low on morale now.. I entered 3rd year psyched-up at the start.. it just seems that i got a reality check.. perhaps a call to wake up my idea.. and be realistic.. I just hope i make it thru.. and something happy happens.. really soon.. REALLY REALLY SOON...
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Mel
Meet my new darling- her name's Mel... short for 'Melody' :) I just tot melody was a name befitting my guitar.. because whether ur feeling happy or sad, playing happy or sad songs, there is always a melody.. and whether happy or sad the guitar plays it beautifully..
my very first ovation guitar.. and also cost me a bomb too :)
Monday, January 22, 2007
Thoughts
"Success is never final, Failure is never fatal, but its the courage to carry on that counts" - another one of those really incredibly CHEESY lines from great people found in Call Of Duty 2.. Question is.. have I ever succeeded? and is failure really non lethal? Another great general also said that "There were only 2 outcomes in battle- Victory or Death" another incredibly cheesy thing to say... which makes me wonder why great men say all these kinda stuff..
It does make me wonder whether failure being never fatal was a merciful thing in the first place.. because falling from your own graces sometimes feels like you're shot thru the heart.. most of the times these failures, and thankfully so, are never bear physical.. but emotional scars.. Tho if failure were fatal, I'd think we'd have very short lives.. yet to let wounds heal and stand up to get shot again.. it would really require nerve and courage.. sometimes I wish i had that..
There are times when I've asked myself what is it i fear most and what is it that i desire most... really delving into the framework of my mind... Fear itself, is like an assassin and a saboteur.. killing hopes and the destroyer of dreams.. betraying us of our true potential... yet no man lives in the absence of fear.. only in the conquering of fear does a man triumph to live his dreams... Fear I guess reminds us once again that we're only human... In desiring we throw ourselves at our goals, pursue them with fervour.. and sometimes the fire of our passion becomes an obsession and caught in these flames we burn to destruction with it... only in pursuing it with hope and meekness and with courage and determination will we find satisfaction- not that we would definitely achieve our goal.. but the journey would be worthwhile..
"Jealousy is the one eye monster that doth feeds upon its own flesh"- an excerpt taken from the book Othello.. In this life I couldnt but find this true.. jealousy has many times destroyed and fed on my own flesh (not literally.. else i'd never have to go for TAF club) its an insane emotion whereby your lack of something u so desire causes damage to yourself.. and also fuels your fervour to pursue your lack...jealousy- a manifestation of an emotional insecurity? perhaps so.. It'd be vain to hope that I will never experience jealousy... in this world where the only way is forward, the only quality to exist is BETTER.. its hard to find contentment.. I only pray that somehow I do.. and stop this inner burning and destruction of me inside.."
Pardon this entry if its really emo.. in all seriousness.. its just a couple of my thoughts..
It does make me wonder whether failure being never fatal was a merciful thing in the first place.. because falling from your own graces sometimes feels like you're shot thru the heart.. most of the times these failures, and thankfully so, are never bear physical.. but emotional scars.. Tho if failure were fatal, I'd think we'd have very short lives.. yet to let wounds heal and stand up to get shot again.. it would really require nerve and courage.. sometimes I wish i had that..
There are times when I've asked myself what is it i fear most and what is it that i desire most... really delving into the framework of my mind... Fear itself, is like an assassin and a saboteur.. killing hopes and the destroyer of dreams.. betraying us of our true potential... yet no man lives in the absence of fear.. only in the conquering of fear does a man triumph to live his dreams... Fear I guess reminds us once again that we're only human... In desiring we throw ourselves at our goals, pursue them with fervour.. and sometimes the fire of our passion becomes an obsession and caught in these flames we burn to destruction with it... only in pursuing it with hope and meekness and with courage and determination will we find satisfaction- not that we would definitely achieve our goal.. but the journey would be worthwhile..
"Jealousy is the one eye monster that doth feeds upon its own flesh"- an excerpt taken from the book Othello.. In this life I couldnt but find this true.. jealousy has many times destroyed and fed on my own flesh (not literally.. else i'd never have to go for TAF club) its an insane emotion whereby your lack of something u so desire causes damage to yourself.. and also fuels your fervour to pursue your lack...jealousy- a manifestation of an emotional insecurity? perhaps so.. It'd be vain to hope that I will never experience jealousy... in this world where the only way is forward, the only quality to exist is BETTER.. its hard to find contentment.. I only pray that somehow I do.. and stop this inner burning and destruction of me inside.."
Pardon this entry if its really emo.. in all seriousness.. its just a couple of my thoughts..
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
A "brief" summary of Kenchin's life
Ever wondered how time passed so quickly and you're starting to feel old? Well this's a little soliloquy of my own life.. just not as dramatic as Hamlet's. Whilst his starts with "To be or not to be..", mine will end with "The Best Is Yet To Be"...
Chapter 1: To where it all begins
-Its a hellzone here.. billions of my other friends are dying around me.. poor fellas.. whoever said this dammed place was like paradise? Anyway, no sympathy for those suckers.. I'm still alive so far.. not too bad at all! for 1500 ATP points I think I can top this season's "Who wants to be Fertilized" gameshow... but will someone get me out of this mess QUICKLY...
-I banged my head into this huge dammed thing.. hurts like hell! why did everyone else seem to be doing the same thing? not only that.. but REPEATEDLY? yet somehow after that hard knock, I got swallowed in by that thingy.. Oh dammit I gotta stop drinking...
-Its been quite a comfortable nine months inside this wierd place.. I hear some voices sayin I've gotta get out of there soon? Oh screw them.. I'm stayin here.. Anyway whats this Cesarian Section thingy they were talking about?
-Its the 9th of December today.. shit.. they got me out.. there was some movement around and suddenly there was a tear and light came in! some really bright lights! and there was this dude with totally uncool clothes and a face mask there to pull me out... They cut my umbilical cord thingy.. I'm just freaking glad they didnt cut the wrong thing by accident.. Anyway somehow I'm begining to like it out here.. feels different tho..
Chapter 2: First Steps
- I've learnt this incredibly new amazing thing called WALKING! and by making some random noises, mom and dad think i'm the smartest kid on earth cos I can do this thing called TALK.. Damm it feels good to keep being praised and praised... yes everyone should love me! mom and dad're competing to see whos name I say first.. man the attention is just so... coool.. :)
= To be continued =
Ever wondered how time passed so quickly and you're starting to feel old? Well this's a little soliloquy of my own life.. just not as dramatic as Hamlet's. Whilst his starts with "To be or not to be..", mine will end with "The Best Is Yet To Be"...
Chapter 1: To where it all begins
-Its a hellzone here.. billions of my other friends are dying around me.. poor fellas.. whoever said this dammed place was like paradise? Anyway, no sympathy for those suckers.. I'm still alive so far.. not too bad at all! for 1500 ATP points I think I can top this season's "Who wants to be Fertilized" gameshow... but will someone get me out of this mess QUICKLY...
-I banged my head into this huge dammed thing.. hurts like hell! why did everyone else seem to be doing the same thing? not only that.. but REPEATEDLY? yet somehow after that hard knock, I got swallowed in by that thingy.. Oh dammit I gotta stop drinking...
-Its been quite a comfortable nine months inside this wierd place.. I hear some voices sayin I've gotta get out of there soon? Oh screw them.. I'm stayin here.. Anyway whats this Cesarian Section thingy they were talking about?
-Its the 9th of December today.. shit.. they got me out.. there was some movement around and suddenly there was a tear and light came in! some really bright lights! and there was this dude with totally uncool clothes and a face mask there to pull me out... They cut my umbilical cord thingy.. I'm just freaking glad they didnt cut the wrong thing by accident.. Anyway somehow I'm begining to like it out here.. feels different tho..
Chapter 2: First Steps
- I've learnt this incredibly new amazing thing called WALKING! and by making some random noises, mom and dad think i'm the smartest kid on earth cos I can do this thing called TALK.. Damm it feels good to keep being praised and praised... yes everyone should love me! mom and dad're competing to see whos name I say first.. man the attention is just so... coool.. :)
= To be continued =
Friday, January 05, 2007
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
2006 past
~ Ode to the year past~
Life isnt exactly a bed of roses.. but i guess we make do with the best we can..
...Especially with girls around...
...Thru the year, there are times when you just feel down and out...
...Times when you feel like a fish outta the water...
...Times when you are a bloody joker...
...And friends can be very encouraging...
...Sometimes abit too encouraging...
...nevermind...
..But friends have always been there...
...Always there for you...
.....Always by your side.....
.....And you know you'll NEVER WALK ALONE.....
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