-

You're tired of the game,

thats a shame

You're young and brave,

and bright

You've got a raw deal I know but,

dont' squeal

Just buck up your damnest

and fight...

-Unknown Writer

Empty Library

15:6:07
0934hrs AEST, GMT+0800
Law Library



Its 930 in the morning and the library is so empty- as with my motivation... just dwindling down.. because everyone's going home or gone home or finished with their exams! Man.. For once, I dont have to worry abt finding a space.. ther is a whole heckload of space available here.. but oh well.. here I am suited up like an eskimo- I'm wearing 5 layers and a scarf.. cos its bloody freezing outside.. visibility is very poor.. the city is covered in a thick fog.. oh well.. 1 more week to my freedom.. but even with dwindling levels of motivation, I still trudge on.. I know I must.. and I endeavour to do my very best.. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO THROW ME ENCOURAGEMENT/MOTIVATION.. I NEED IT URGENTLY! Molecular cell bio's driving me crazy.. so many different effectors all with very similar names! - Rab, Ran, Ras, Rac, Raf.. Pathology's just killing me... why the hell do people define asthma as- Bronchial Hyper Reactivity due to an Inflammatory Response to Diverse Stimuli.. why dont they just say "YOU JUST CAN'T BREATHE".. Science in all its glory is simple- Simply Complicated and its starting to annoy me..

But I guess I'll just have to do my job and my duty.. and aspire excellence in my work.. And study in a manner befitting and honourable of a science student.. I just pray that I can just be psyched up one last time.. for one last effort.. a final charge..

The Problem with Scientists

13.6.2007
1341hrs AEST GMT+0800
Law Library

From 2mr it will be 1 wk to my exams.. and also 1 wk to my freedom.. my motivational levels have been very PMSy. There're days where I feel so charged up and ready to go.. other days where I feel like a spent shell ejected from the firing chamber.. today.. I feel neither.. for some reason I feel rather neutral today.. I just know that at the end of the day, I'm more than happy to haul my tired ass home to my welcoming mother and bed.. I guess thats one of the downsides of having 2 weeks extra to study.. dont get me wrong.. I very much appreciate this 2 weeks of revision.. its just the level of being psyched up seems to lose its flavour. There are times at night when I'm tired but I just can't go to sleep.. the day's work keeps repeating in my head.. for some reason I do fall asleep and the next thing I know, I hear Majulah Singapura- my alarm clock rings and its time to get up again to go to the library.. haha.. oh well.. OK THIS IS SO NOT EMO!

Anyway in response to Air JonLai's Post on THE PROBLEM WITH ARCHITECTS, i present to you: the problem with Scientists! (refer to referances)

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This article is written by a disgruntled scientist who has spent the past few weeks studying at the library for Molecular Cell Bio and Pathology (the LAW library.. not even the BIOMEDICAL library cos its totally crummy..), does not represent views of other scientists(definitely not Madelin.. she's too smart) and should seriously not be taken seriously... seriously.. more importantly, the scientist is definitely not emo..

The following article has been classified SIAN (Serious Inspiration from A Nerd). It contains:

-A modified (pimped out) entry from JonLai's blog (for original text refer to www.jonsbigheads.blogspot.com)
-A obvious lack of creativity
-A very negative view of scientists
-No emo songs
-A incredible amount of randomness
-Lameness beyond human comprehension

It is not intended for:
-People who have finished their exams
-Architects- cos they'll make fun of scientists
-Emo people (thats what snow patrol is for)
-People who have something better to do
-The Melbourne Model (thats right.. DREAM ON Melbourne Uni!.. dreamlarge.edu.au)


Viewer Discretion Applies


Abstract:

=THE PROBLEM WITH SCIENTISTS=

Scientists are the most clueless people even with the hugest and most brilliant brains in the world. They can say " up to this point, we still don't know how it happens" nearly all the time, and still are not thought of as ignorant fools- but still revered as knowledgable scholars. Needless to say, they possess an incredibly funky view of the world. They can be clueless and still believe that they have the power to manipulate life and play God. They throw words and acronyms at you thinking that its really cool- almost half the time, they're aiming to impress you with HUGE WORDS like IDIOPATHIC THROMBOCYTOPENIA PUPURA or intricate cellular signalling pathways. My professor thought me on the matter of intracellular signalling-

"MAP (Mitogen Activated Protein) Kinase Kinase Kinase(Raf-1) phosphorylates MAP Kinase Kinase(MEK) which phosphorylates MAP Kinase"

And you'll say "WTH!"- Wow Thats High effeciency signalling!

Yes, a scientist is much smarter than a doctor because he is a brilliant thinker, a dreamer and a stoner all at the same time. A scientist CAN walk around blankly, unlike architects- cos they're either still clueless or had smoked too much weed. His gaze is like a blank stare cos he's seriously stoned by weed and by his work. In an instant, he draws hypotheses and conclusions about the concentration and dose of the weed that he smoked- and its efficacy.. and also whether it was a rip off or not.. Such is his GREAT insight.

That was me at the start of the year. Throughout the semester, I as a scientist, have been strongly thought of as "uncool" by lots of non-scientists (especially xiao xi.. who does SCIENCE (but psych.. pfft.. Pseudo-scientists) and Elenor who does LAW..), whether because of jealously or for fun, its definitely both. Scientists generally agree with me- we're totally cool man.. RADICAL DUDE.. we put DA MAJOR GROOVE in DNA(there's also the minor groove). The scientists that don’t are definitely bland and nerdy, they might as well study medicine, who really cares?

But still, one of the biggest problem with scientists is that, without any experimentation or statistical data (contrary to the protocol of science), we know we're cool.. the only other problem is... that well... we're not always right.. and umm.. well we.. uhh.. kinda lack experiments and umm.. the.. how do you say... statistical data? and up to this stage we still dont know how it happens..

Ok i am still clueless..


Referances
Lai, J. 2007 " The Problem with Architects" 1st Edition, www.jonsbigheads.blogspot.com


p/s Have any of you checked out the Bruker Daltonics Nuclear Magnetic Resonance(NMR) Spectroscopy machine at Bio21?(I swear the people at Bio21 are NERDY and have lots of money!) its DEFINITELY not as hot as the ginger-soy-wasabi girl at Plush Fish @ union house(BUT WHO CARES?!) OF COURSE IT IS NOT AS HOT! its cooled by liquid nitro to about 3 K (-274'C).. urrgh I miss the smell of 99.97 w/v absolute ethanol from the flammables cabinet..

Cheers Jon.. :P

Tranquil plains.. that's the title of this picture.. I wonder how the artist/graphic designer even percieved or got the inspiration to produce something so beautiful such as this... which, when you think about it, you'd wish you could stand amidst the plains.. and hear nothing but the wind gently rustling the lush green grass..

ok YES work's stressful and NO I am not emo!!

I've decided to conduct and experiment over the holidays to study the effects of alcohol on academic capacity on biomedical science students- seeing as to how they are elite science students, lets see how well they hold up to alcohol tolerance and answering exam questions... I will write a paper on this.. and maybe (if terry approves) get it onto the triple helix magazine.. well i think Terry would.. afterall he likes alcohol.. since he does Law/Science, he can fix my ethics approval for this experiment.. :)

oh well.. many happy days ahead.. I hope.. Anyway.. Mom's coming soon! Yayness! REINFORCEMENTS HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED.. AND SO HAS MY NEW HANDPHONE!

Ok I feel very random.. maybe I should just go to sleep...

... mehh...

Uni

10th May 2007
1800hrs AEST
GMT +0800

I guess I'm feeling better already.. I havent written in awhile.. cos well I'm busy.. but oh well.. I guess I'm still breathing.. and I should be thankful for that.. time seems to pass so quickly.. its like 4 months have gone by just in a flash.. more over.. 2+ years of uni have gone past.. Often i've asked myself for a summary of what I've learnt at uni.. and accumulated so far.. this's the the list..

1. Contrary to popular belief, melbourne uni aussies are infact bloody hardworking (and you'd say " WT* mate?!"
2. It is really true that Arts Students have way too much free time on their hands
3. Don't answer every question at the tute- u'll look like a bloody smartarse.. people will hate you
4. Never believe biomed students when they say "but I didnt study for it at all!" (OF COURSE YOU DID FOOL! cos if you really didn't you'd be insulting me!)
5. Eat Saigon noodles only at odd hours.. because lunch queue is long..
6. Sleeping in class is ok.. so long as you dont snore..
7. Assignments Suck
8. Lecturers who enjoy cramming you with info and extract pleasure from distressed students, probably have had disturbed uni student lives

I guess I'll learn more and more each day.. well.. back to assignments again.. thanks for tuning in.. yes i'm still alive.. thank God.. for some reason I'm still breathing.. If i make it pass this year.. I'll donate my brain to the pathology museum in Melb Uni... which will be placed next to Terry's (my honourable pathology lab mate..) liver.. well, 1 severly infarcted brain, 1 severly cirrhosed liver- from 2 pathology students.. and if you put 2 and 2 together.. you get 4.. and also a political statement of the grim reality of pathology student life..

They're advertising Melbourne Uni in the Cinemas.. man this sucks.. it makes Melb uni homologous to drinking coke or what not.. i mean this is TOTALLY UNCOOL.. can I transfer to monash?

Tests coming up soon again.. CRAP..

The Best

Thurs 4th of April 2007... It was just a week back.. yet I will still remember that day.. a day that really crippled my morale.. 2 tests on that day, a headache from coordinating the food for the Belgrave Heights Convention.. assignments due and rejection from my application to join the iGEMs team...

Just a year ago.. it was like metamorphosis.. I felt like a butterfly that got out of its cocoon and unleashed my academic potential.. from that caterpillar that crawled on the academic ground into a butterfly.. my marks improved significantly.. whence before I was scoring credits and passes, I was scoring high distinctions.. Today, a year later.. somehow.. when applying to get a place in a competition team, amongst 50 who applied and the 5 who were chosen.. I was the other 45.. that feeling was just gut wrenching.. and incredibly crippling to my ego.. I worked hard for my marks.. worked hard over the holidays in a hospital lab so that I could pimp out my CV like everyone else.. yet amongst 50 people I wasnt selected to be in the top 10%.. I had research experience, Biochemistry was my ace of spades in my marks.. and yet i was rejected.. i still can hear the voice of the coordinator at the iGEMs seminar the other day.. ".. if you dont get in.. don't be dissappointed.." and that just sparked me off.. HOW THE HELL COULD I NOT BE?! I've worked hard.. sacrificed much.. how much more must I give to be considered as top notch?

Its like an inferiority complex rearing its ugly head on me.. and the fear of being average.. I feel that mediocrity is such a cardinal sin in my academic life.. its not just about getting by.. its about excellence.. its not about the pass.. its about the distinction.. I want to be the best.. to rise above the rest.. yet even when I gave my best.. it just isnt good enough..

Sadly in this world, people dont employ you based on 'best' points.. people employ you on results.. when u fail to deliver results to your boss, you can stand infront of him and plead your best.. and still be slapped with retrenchment.. thats the fear that grips me.. I met Kat exactly that thursday.. and that was the conversation that ensued. She saw me and she said I looked tired.. I told her that I just finished my tests and also I still had to fix a whole headache of food coordinating for BHC.. She smiled and said "at least you did your best".. and I said " yeah but in life your best doesnt matter.. results do.." I felt really mean saying it to her.. and I deserve to be slapped for it.. for someone who was trying to console me and encouraged me, I cut her down.. she then said "but is it other people.. that gives you value for your life?" and quite instinctively I said " what I value is something that will get me my bread and butter to feed my family in the future and take care of mom and dad".. I was really an ass to have said that.. yet it just came out of me without thinking.. yet Kat.. like almost all other RG girls always know how to have the final say.. she just said " Trust God ".. at that point, I just sighed.. I had nothing to say.. I was absolutely worn out.. I just felt just crippled... after the whole day.. the whole week the whole 1 month of doing my best at being excellent.. it felt that it all fell apart..

Its so tiring to strive to be the best... people have said that the competition isnt against the others.. the competition is yourself.. but then and again... what is the use if you're the best only to yourself? besides in Psychology it is said that runners improve their timing faster when competeing against other runners instead of training on their own.. or maybe its just the fact that life's meant to be this cruel..

At Adam Khoo Learning Technologies (the motivation talk stuff) they said that 95% of the population is unmotivated. First I would question how they even measured that.. and secondly it means that theres a good and bad to it.. the good side is that per each 100 people, 95 don't give a crap.. they'll just slog till they die.. and just be content with what they have and won't be a challenge in your path.. bad news is that ur competing with the other 4 to make it somewhere.. and competition is gonna be stiff.. so actually what reall advantage is there in the first place?

well.. maybe the best thing to do isn't to fret about it.. just do what I do..

Work hard, Work smart.. whichever way it is, just don't work LESS...

+NH3-His-Gln-Leu-Phe-COO-

I got a test 2mr.. and umm well.. I have consulted the alignment of the ligand binding sites of p97 Iron binding protein and they tell me that I'm screwed... -His-Gln-Leu-Phe- in 3 letter Amino Acid code spells very simply in 1 letter Amino Acid code: -HELP-

Anyway time for bed.. by the way Punjabi MC is really FULLY SIKH MAN.. (as in its very good.. yeah.. ok..) Nights..

Extracts from the Melb Uni Eyeball mag

I thought that this was pretty a pretty interesting find I made at the BioMed Library today- a Melbourne Uni Publication- the Eyeball Magazine and this particular article caught my eye: The Degree-o-Scope.. The University's equivalent of the Horoscope.. I dont know how to referance this article but anyway.. And I've picked the funny ones: Education, Engineering, Land and Food Resources, Commerce, Science, Law, Arts, Architecture, Veterinary Science; and left out the boring ones: Medicine, Music. Here's the Abstract:



"For Many years, humankind turned to the celestial zodiacs as a means of ascertaining their fate. After all, what better way to predict one's future than looking to one's date of birth? Well, we as revolutionary and radical uni students call that a load of crap. For we know what truly is in control of our lives. Our degrees. For at least 3 years, they compel us to hours of listening to the inane chatter of pompous academics, before smugly moving on to handpicking our social circle, our jobs and our capacity to take expensive vacations in Hawaii, Face it boys and girls, you are your degree's bitch. So try not to cringe as your Degree-o-scope lays out your fortune for the month."

Bachelor of Education:
The alignment of the stars indicate that them techy little kuchibrats are engaging in an elaborate conspiracy to break all the crayons in the arts room. Our complex analysis of zodiacal patterns indicates that you should send them all to naptime without dessert.

Bachelor of Engineering:
The Force exerted upon another will only evoke a countering force in the opposing direction, a principle that implies that the best solution to this fundamental problem is to remain stationary in bed.

Bachelor of Land and Food Resources:
The rotting piece of bread by your windowsill just might bear you a H1 in your midterm assessment. Should this specimen be consumed however, we cannot guarantee that you will survive until then. But you'll eat it anyway just to prove us wrong. Typical.

Bachelor of Commerce:
It appears that the impossibility of balancing the statement of cash flows in tutorial 2 of Accounting 101 can be linked to jealous colleagues having tampered with your preferred Casio Calculator.

Bachelor of Science:
Promiscity is but a form of thorough scientific experimentation of the merits of varying samples of the opposite sex. Of course, you remain a detached observer and more unfortunately, a virgin.

Bachelor of Law:
The powers that adjudicate have deliberated, passed a preliminary vote, held a continuation debate, passed a final vote, considered and squashed an appeal, before arriving at the unanimous verdict that they lacked the requisite information and resources to arrive at a resolution possessed of a sufficient degree of finality. It is deemed imperative that further research and sampling be conducted to attain a more satisfactory outcome. (referance 1)

1 It is stressed that the powers that be, are under no obligation to formulate a final conclusion

Bachelor of Architecture, Building and Planning:
We sense dark forces of jealousy operating on your wooden model of the Taj Mahal. It would be wise to check for implanted termites.

Bachelor of Arts:
A sinister plot to further dilute your watercolours is brewing. Consider switching to crayons.

Bachelor of Veterinary Science:
Cosmic forces have divined that the feisty little baboon is responsible for the repetedly mysterious disappearances of your M&M's. 'Animal Testing' on it would only result in you being stoned to death by activists. Conduct tests on the soon-to-be-dead Land and Food Resources student instead.

-End-

Extracted from: Melbourne Uni Eyeball Magazine

=Melbourne Uni Rocks=

Sat night

Its a saturday.. and i've just spent it on books and Cell Bio.. I dunno whats gotten into me.. thats pushing me so hard.. its just sick... 3rd year is just sick.. (sick as in negative sick.. not the "Thorpey(Ian Thorpe) says its FULLY SICK MATE" kinda sick..) And it feels even sicker that I should resort to just whining and complaining.. but 2 tests, 1 scientific paper presentation for both Cell Bio and Protein Structure.. 2 tests for Pathology, 1 test for Pathology lab + lab reports every week.. on top of that all these subjects have a end of semester exam paper.. this really isnt like 2nd year at all.. and it makes 1st year sound all like childs play.. Uni Professors prolly have deprived childhoods or repressed memories to be able to extract such satisfaction out of academic cognitive torture.. only to think that I aspire to be one.. what the hell man..

Perhaps I do it cos i want that success so much... the taste of holding that paper in my hands and smile with pride and joy for all the world to see.. not just cos i finished it.. but cos i aced it... but why do i want to ace it? thats exactly the crucks of the question.. I feel its a sense of insecurity in me.. to want to achieve better and more lest i be seen as or thought of as inferior grade.. perhaps out of not wanting to let my parents down.. fear.. and insecurity... I guess the positivity i can find in this is that 1- I know where my weakness is and 2- I acknowledge it and accept it.. thing is.. what can I do about it? I just want to destroy all this negativity in me..

I saw a newspaper cutting one day in the Life section of Straits Times- There was this musician in the picture performing at the Esplanade- he gave up his PhD in biochemistry in order to pursue his dreams- to be a musician.. I thought of it.. he's a very brave man.. he would give up something that definitely pays better than being a musician so that he can chase his dreams.. I saw myself as the exact polar opposite.. I, a person who doesnt play music but just wants to enjoy things, am I willing to give up enjoying so that I can pursue a career at least to give me a respectable name and salary that can repay my education and also give my parents a good life to retire in comfort?

What does it mean to be the best? I've never known someone whom the title " THE BEST " has been conferred upon.. only "Experts of a particular field".. what does it really mean to be the best? or by pursuing the best means that we'll never get there.. tho we will improve ourselves over time? And all this wanting and desire to be the best.. I feel at some point is exerting some sort of destruction upon myself.. I feel that life becomes so myopic and of such single purpose- just to hunt for success.. that u just forget everything else around you...

I think its just probably that i'm low on morale now.. I entered 3rd year psyched-up at the start.. it just seems that i got a reality check.. perhaps a call to wake up my idea.. and be realistic.. I just hope i make it thru.. and something happy happens.. really soon.. REALLY REALLY SOON...